so it has been a while since i've written on xanga, and there is a lot going on, yet more to work on.

since i last wrote, some things have happened.  i finally got over the guy i had been dating up in michigan.  he and his pregnant girlfriend are still together and driving each other nuts, and i'm not really in touch with him at all.  i don't need that in my life anyway...too much drama.  thinking about it, i wonder why i settled for someone like him in the first place...it's not about the girlfriend or the lying (that too, but not only), it's also about the fact that he thought

i had resolved myself pretty much to work on myself, which i did.  i began to explore my issues, and learn more about who i am as a person and appreciate myself for who God created me to be.  i began to trust God again (or at least give the Almighty one more chance lol...wow, i know that sounds pretentious).  i did some dating here and there, but didn't really expect anything out of it.  i had decided to stop dating for a while, and i was becoming content with my life as a single woman and as a dog lady.  i began to appreciate my life and all the blessings in it...my family, my relatives (including my cousin's baby girl who has red hair like me), my loyal friends in cincinnati, all over the country and the world, the fact that i get to have a job that, for the most part, doesn't feel like a job.  my life is awesome even without a significant other.

then i met someone...he's someone i have a great deal in common with, and i believe we "get" each other...both the good and the bad, as well as the plain off-kilter.  it's a crazy kind of thing, and just awesome.  right now, just living in the moment, and taking it for what it is.  and we will have been together a month next week.  so that part of my life, for once in my life, has been going quite well.

as far as teaching is concerned, the past semester gave me a reminder as to why i decided to do it in the first place.  i enjoyed my students, and it really seemed that despite my pedagogical shortcomings, many of them got a lot out of the course.  it has renewed my confidence in my ability to teach. 

i think probably the main hitch in my life right now is my dissertation.  i'm working on it, but i need to devote more time and energy to finishing it.  i want to defend by the end of the calendar year at the latest.  a part of me is uncertain as to what will happen once i graduate.  what will my life look like?  where will i get a job?  will i receive a post-doc, teach, or go into survey research?  will i actually settle down in cincinnati of all places?  am i seriously considering staying in cincinnati?  and getting past the fear to actually get the dissertation finished is a serious mental exercise.  i would have never thought that the dissertation would evoke other feelings and concerns outside of the subject matter of my research.  so that is the next step.

y'all thought i wouldn't get to this, did ya?

so to make a long story short, since part one, the relationship didn't quite work out as planned.  it ended up being that the train wreck is still going on, still in slow motion.  i still don't think it's going to end well, but at the same time, the only clear thing is that i'm definitely the odd (wo)man out.  so i'm kind of left to pick up the pieces, deal with the fallout and the consequences alone, and sort of waiting for some karma or justice, or at least the truth to be exposed, rather than for it to all work out the way i wanted it to.  alas.

i think it's going to take some time because this friendship/relationship was different than any other relationship, friendship, weirdship, or whatever i've ever experienced in the past.  while i was in it, it was actually good, and it made me feel good, rather than feeling badly.  and yet the way it ended left me crushed.  not defeated, but crushed nevertheless. 

to be truthful, this is one situation in which i can't really blame it on God.  i have felt for a long time - ever since my lost seven years - that God has been holding out on me...passing out support systems and relationships to others while denying me a relationship and allowing my support system to fall apart around me through death, relocation, and turmoil.  at some point, i decided that God wasn't doing His job and so i'd take it in my own hands and do it for Him. 

i didn't want to date christian guys because christian guys, in my view and experience, were more appearance-conscious and closed-minded to different definitions of beauty than non-christian guys, and worried too much about what others thought of their significant others.  i felt that for people who claimed to want to follow Christ in every area of their lives, they were hypocrites because their love lives were dictated by the standards of the world...instead of seeing women the way God sees them, they would evaluate women the way the world does, and do it even more stringently than the world does, to boot.  i felt they were all like this because the ones i've known since becoming a christian at eighteen were like this (yes, it sounds ignorant, but it's hard to shake one's negative experiences).  so when i decided to do it all on my own, i decided not to bother with christian men...not because of their christianity (i did want a mate who shared my faith), but because i knew that none would accept me the way i was since i wasn't physically "together."

i did it all myself...i'd date the guys i wanted to date and do what i wanted to do because i did not trust God in this area of my life.  it worked out great for a time...i enjoyed myself - i hated dating, particularly first dates.  but i found someone whose company i did enjoy, who i felt comfortable and accepted by, who made me feel attractive, and who i was attracted to as well.  and despite the red flags, i still dated this person, kept seeing this person, because it felt right and it was a hell of a lot better than what God had to offer me at that point...so I thought.

well, when it all ended, it ended, and badly.  the brokenness is something i've never felt to this degree, ever.  the consequences that i know and have yet to know are worse than anything i had to face when i found myself trying to follow God.  for the christian, living outside of God's will is not a good place to be.

 i don't even think i want to date anytime soon.  i need to work on myself. 

and i really, really need a silver lining.

it is clear to me that i need to hurry up and finish school.  i am in year six, and i'm still not really anywhere near done yet.  primarily, my problem is fear.  when i finish school, i don't want my life to be boring and empty, where all i do is work, go to event after event, and look at my dog all day.  there is no one to share it with, no one to share in my life...the good, the bad, and whatever else there is in between.  and so that scares me...apparently enough so that i can't move out of this season and into the next.

there are good things.  i've found myself involved in various activities and meeting people.  i'm getting chance encounters with people who may end up being my friends.  i'm also excited about my new church, and i feel like i'm finding a place there and i'm finding community there. 

while i have yet to see the reprieve that i truly need from my relationally monotonous and lonely life, for the first time in a long time, i see hope.  i feel that maybe i can trust God again.  when i was in His will, He protected me from harm.  i can see in retrospect that the men i was interested in who weren't interested in me weren't right for me at all and God must have something or someone better for me.  if i had ended up with them, i would have never been happy in the long run.  they weren't necessarily bad people, but i was not meant to be with them.  outside of His will, i ended up with someone who i should not have been with, that i got too close to, and ultimately ended up getting hurt even worse than if i had just been rejected.

i think that my Father is inviting me to give Him another chance, to trust Him with my entire life, even that which i had believed for so long He had forgotten.  i'm thinking i might give it to Him.