jmich416's Xanga

Blupdate

Thu, 07 May 2009 01:11:26 GMT

so i haven't blogged much because i've had so much going on in my life that i have little to write about.

i'm still with the same person, we've been together for five months. that's going awesomely, and i enjoy him very much. i'm learning more about him, and definitely more about myself.

also, i'm winding down my teaching assignment and now looking for something else. i'll be an interviewer for a while probably, and work on my dissertation...which i need to finish. i'm leaning towards becoming a researcher or involved in some way in public service. i've also found a church now that's a lot like the one i was a part of back in michigan. things are well, for the most part...other than my dissertation.

i think i'm going to stay in cincinnati. it's not so much b/c of my boyfriend, but because for better or for worse, cincinnati has become my home.

and i've also found a huge chunk of my family that i didn't know previously, or to be more accurate, they found me. it's like i'm finding out new stuff about my life, who i am, etc. it's an unexpected good. it's a good season, and for that, i'm thankful to God.

2009

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:03:35 GMT

so it has been a while since i've written on xanga, and there is a lot going on, yet more to work on.

since i last wrote, some things have happened. i finally got over the guy i had been dating up in michigan. he and his pregnant girlfriend are still together and driving each other nuts, and i'm not really in touch with him at all. i don't need that in my life anyway...too much drama. thinking about it, i wonder why i settled for someone like him in the first place...it's not about the girlfriend or the lying (that too, but not only), it's also about the fact that he thought

i had resolved myself pretty much to work on myself, which i did. i began to explore my issues, and learn more about who i am as a person and appreciate myself for who God created me to be. i began to trust God again (or at least give the Almighty one more chance lol...wow, i know that sounds pretentious). i did some dating here and there, but didn't really expect anything out of it. i had decided to stop dating for a while, and i was becoming content with my life as a single woman and as a dog lady. i began to appreciate my life and all the blessings in it...my family, my relatives (including my cousin's baby girl who has red hair like me), my loyal friends in cincinnati, all over the country and the world, the fact that i get to have a job that, for the most part, doesn't feel like a job. my life is awesome even without a significant other.

then i met someone...he's someone i have a great deal in common with, and i believe we "get" each other...both the good and the bad, as well as the plain off-kilter. it's a crazy kind of thing, and just awesome. right now, just living in the moment, and taking it for what it is. and we will have been together a month next week. so that part of my life, for once in my life, has been going quite well.

as far as teaching is concerned, the past semester gave me a reminder as to why i decided to do it in the first place. i enjoyed my students, and it really seemed that despite my pedagogical shortcomings, many of them got a lot out of the course. it has renewed my confidence in my ability to teach.

i think probably the main hitch in my life right now is my dissertation. i'm working on it, but i need to devote more time and energy to finishing it. i want to defend by the end of the calendar year at the latest. a part of me is uncertain as to what will happen once i graduate. what will my life look like? where will i get a job? will i receive a post-doc, teach, or go into survey research? will i actually settle down in cincinnati of all places? am i seriously considering staying in cincinnati? and getting past the fear to actually get the dissertation finished is a serious mental exercise. i would have never thought that the dissertation would evoke other feelings and concerns outside of the subject matter of my research. so that is the next step.

The Big Three and My Hometown

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:44:23 GMT

this is an article from the sojourner's blog about the big three automakers and effect of the faltering industry has on my hometown and home region:

http://www.sojo.net/blog/godspolitics/?p=4005

much negativity is made of my hometown through the media and common parlance. however the city is composed of real people with real-life struggles. when i was growing up, almost all of my friends either had parents (particularly fathers) who either worked for one of the big three or were employed in industries that did business with the big three. when i was a teenager, my dad held a position for a private mental health provider who did business with ford motors.

today is a somewhat different story. some of these jobs are now gone, moved out of the country, with nothing to replace them. so unemployment and underemployment is higher than in most other regions in the united states. still, the automakers employ many people in the region. the demise of the automakers will surely make a dire situation worse for the people of detroit. i'm not sure if i believe that a bailout is the answer. but i truly hope to God that there will be a way for detroit to rebuild, rebound and rise again.

Watching a Train Wreck in Slow Motion, Part II

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 05:20:05 GMT

y'all thought i wouldn't get to this, did ya?

so to make a long story short, since part one, the relationship didn't quite work out as planned. it ended up being that the train wreck is still going on, still in slow motion. i still don't think it's going to end well, but at the same time, the only clear thing is that i'm definitely the odd (wo)man out. so i'm kind of left to pick up the pieces, deal with the fallout and the consequences alone, and sort of waiting for some karma or justice, or at least the truth to be exposed, rather than for it to all work out the way i wanted it to. alas.

i think it's going to take some time because this friendship/relationship was different than any other relationship, friendship, weirdship, or whatever i've ever experienced in the past. while i was in it, it was actually good, and it made me feel good, rather than feeling badly. and yet the way it ended left me crushed. not defeated, but crushed nevertheless.

to be truthful, this is one situation in which i can't really blame it on God. i have felt for a long time - ever since my lost seven years - that God has been holding out on me...passing out support systems and relationships to others while denying me a relationship and allowing my support system to fall apart around me through death, relocation, and turmoil. at some point, i decided that God wasn't doing His job and so i'd take it in my own hands and do it for Him.

i didn't want to date christian guys because christian guys, in my view and experience, were more appearance-conscious and closed-minded to different definitions of beauty than non-christian guys, and worried too much about what others thought of their significant others. i felt that for people who claimed to want to follow Christ in every area of their lives, they were hypocrites because their love lives were dictated by the standards of the world...instead of seeing women the way God sees them, they would evaluate women the way the world does, and do it even more stringently than the world does, to boot. i felt they were all like this because the ones i've known since becoming a christian at eighteen were like this (yes, it sounds ignorant, but it's hard to shake one's negative experiences). so when i decided to do it all on my own, i decided not to bother with christian men...not because of their christianity (i did want a mate who shared my faith), but because i knew that none would accept me the way i was since i wasn't physically "together."

i did it all myself...i'd date the guys i wanted to date and do what i wanted to do because i did not trust God in this area of my life. it worked out great for a time...i enjoyed myself - i hated dating, particularly first dates. but i found someone whose company i did enjoy, who i felt comfortable and accepted by, who made me feel attractive, and who i was attracted to as well. and despite the red flags, i still dated this person, kept seeing this person, because it felt right and it was a hell of a lot better than what God had to offer me at that point...so I thought.

well, when it all ended, it ended, and badly. the brokenness is something i've never felt to this degree, ever. the consequences that i know and have yet to know are worse than anything i had to face when i found myself trying to follow God. for the christian, living outside of God's will is not a good place to be.

i don't even think i want to date anytime soon. i need to work on myself.

and i really, really need a silver lining.

it is clear to me that i need to hurry up and finish school. i am in year six, and i'm still not really anywhere near done yet. primarily, my problem is fear. when i finish school, i don't want my life to be boring and empty, where all i do is work, go to event after event, and look at my dog all day. there is no one to share it with, no one to share in my life...the good, the bad, and whatever else there is in between. and so that scares me...apparently enough so that i can't move out of this season and into the next.

there are good things. i've found myself involved in various activities and meeting people. i'm getting chance encounters with people who may end up being my friends. i'm also excited about my new church, and i feel like i'm finding a place there and i'm finding community there.

while i have yet to see the reprieve that i truly need from my relationally monotonous and lonely life, for the first time in a long time, i see hope. i feel that maybe i can trust God again. when i was in His will, He protected me from harm. i can see in retrospect that the men i was interested in who weren't interested in me weren't right for me at all and God must have something or someone better for me. if i had ended up with them, i would have never been happy in the long run. they weren't necessarily bad people, but i was not meant to be with them. outside of His will, i ended up with someone who i should not have been with, that i got too close to, and ultimately ended up getting hurt even worse than if i had just been rejected.

i think that my Father is inviting me to give Him another chance, to trust Him with my entire life, even that which i had believed for so long He had forgotten. i'm thinking i might give it to Him.

Now THIS is a first!

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:43:09 GMT

for all you gamers, check this out:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27184857/

Comfortability

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:06:23 GMT

check this out...this is quite interesting. are these really myths, or are they true to some degree?
http://weblog.revelife.com/revelife/674937162/christian-dating-myths.html

also, not a whole lot to report, to be honest. got my hair done, which makes me feel somewhat better. i'm also looking to move into an apartment, so i'm checking out a few places between today and tomorrow. i'd prefer to live in kentucky, particularly someplace like covington or newport, but clifton is not out of the question. the goal is to live someplace to where i don't have to drive to work and i don't have to drive too far to get to most places i'd want to go, whether it's to hang out with friends, go to church, or to check out local events. so we'll see. the sticking point is, of course, my dog. and so hopefully that'll all work out.

i'm also talking to a few guys as well. i hate to say this, though, but i don't like going through this again since it feels like going to trial or something. i would love to meet a man that i'm actually comfortable with and that i know isn't picking me apart in one way or another and judging me as not worthy to be liked/loved in some way. the bad thing is that now, i know what acceptance feels like, and so i know what i'm looking for, but finding it is another task entirely.

Watching a Train Wreck in Slow Motion, part I

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:41:13 GMT

so more has happened since the last time i wrote (protected post) that shed some more light on the situation concerning myself and the guy i was seeing. i won't get into it here, because it's too personal for all involved. i will say this, though. on one hand, the new knowledge makes me feel a little better and the current situation makes a lot more sense to me. on the other hand, it makes me feel worse because what i have found, at least for myself, that i have feelings that i didn't want to admit to anyone, even to myself. and yet, i feel as if everything is on hold until things stabilize. i wonder if it's worth it.

Anger (I Give Up, part 2)

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:24:17 GMT

'cos I've been talking to the people that you call all your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to an end - they don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time

I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind -
I don't care anymore
I don't care no more

I don't care what you say - we never played by the same rules anyway.
I won't be there anymore
get out of my way - let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore

I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore.

Well I don't care now what you say
'cos everyday I'm feeling fine with myself.
And I don't care now what you say
hey -
I'll do alright by myself 'cos I know.

'cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards -
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'cos all I want of you is just a let me be -
I don't care anymore
d'you hear I don't care no more

I don't care what you say - I never did believe you much anyway
I won't be there no more
so get out of my way - let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore.
'you hear I don't care anymore

I don't care no more.
You listening I don't care no more
no more.
You know I don't care anymore
don't care no more
no more

phil collins - "i don't care anymore"

Oh Michigan, and Other Randomness

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:00:02 GMT

so cincinnati is sucking me back in, sort of. for the time being, i won't be living in cincinnati proper, but in northern kentucky, which is pretty much cincy except somewhat prettier and countrier (if that's a word!). i'm looking forward to the course i'm teaching next week, seeing some of my old friends and making new ones. i'll be there as a visiting graduate assistant/instructor for a year, so it'll be cool. and i should be able to finish school faster.

as far as michigan is concerned, i think i will miss it here. this year has been, in a lot of ways, my rehabilitation and my therapy. i've spent the year making peace with cincinnati and everything that happened there. i also began to work on self-improvement, as well as hash out some "unfinished business" with God.

in addition, i began to find myself again. up until maybe middle/early high school, i got along better with guys than girls because i was never interested in girly fads like new kids on the block (or their successors) or hollywood gossip. however, the combination of single-sex school and puberty meant that i was less able to get along with boys than i once was since it was the weird opposite sex stuff, rejection by boys, and i was more able to get along with girls, especially once i met girls who were just as eclectic and eccentric as i was. college was weird, because on one hand, most of my substantive conversations were with men (good female friends are an exception). i did have good male friends in college. but it was this feeling, though, that one can only go so far because we were opposite-sex friends (and to minimize potential drama in a few cases). grad school was just...well...grad school.

in any case, i have had mostly female friends in later childhood and early adulthood, partly due to happenstance, but partly by design - i did not know how to relate to men. due to my own insecurities, reinforced by a couple of toxic/abusive friendships with men, i had that feeling that men could only be trusted up to a point. i had this suspicion that all the while, while being my friend, the men in my life were, in their thoughts, criticizing me, judging me, picking me apart, thinking that i didn't measure up because of my appearance, and since i didn't measure up physically, i was defective and not good enough. and i resented it.

michigan has been an interesting experience. i've dated more than i have for most of my adult life (ain't saying a whole lot, but it's still progress). but it's not so much the dating, because as i've said before, i hate dating. but the coolest experience has to do with the friendships cultivated with men i've met here. i've been given compliments on my appearance and i've been encouraged and built up by some of the men in my life. it makes me think of an article i read about christian men and singleness, where the author mentions that instead of single men looking for the same kind of outer beauty to the disregard of all others, they should look to cultivate and encourage the unique beauty of the single women around them. a combination of that, as well as understanding my own anxiety about how people perceive me (versus the fact that most people aren't as critical about or focused on my looks as i am), helped me to see men in a different light. it helped me to forgive.

over time, i noticed that things were a little bit different. i got along with guys again, and i feel more comfortable around them again. i would rather talk to men than women, and it's not because of anything romantic on my part. i can talk to them about stuff, i can relate better to them and their interests, even the silly ones (save "man talk"). i really don't care about "sex and the city," or how many babies brangelina can pop out or adopt. i would rather see "tropic thunder" or even the new batman movie than "the sisterhood of the traveling pants." i'd rather hear about how to fix the engine on a car than how to knit or crochet. i can joke with men, rib them, and they actually get my goofy and somewhat sarcastic humor in a way that most women don't. i'm more into the conversation about politics or some other interesting controversy than a conversation about what is the best food to feed six-month olds. to epitomize this stark difference...a couple of weeks ago, i had a dream that a bunch of my married female friends spawned school-age children and were all trying to sell me girl scout cookies at the same time!

it's not that i'm not feminine. it's just that i express it in a different way. i like to put together cool outfits, i like to do makeup (although not heavy makeup, i still want to look natural), i like to think of new ways to do my hair and try them to see what works and what doesn't. if it wouldn't hurt the resale value of the car, i would like my hyundai repainted a bright pink color (yes i have discovered pink and other shades of red that aren't naturally residing on top of my head). i care about the place of women in our society, and it's something i feel strongly about. at the same time, i like chivalry, i like being treated as a lady. i like to make sure that my friends are taken care of when they are in pain or in need. i feel good about lending an ear to listen and being a shoulder to cry on. i can be myself, and i can be a lady at the same time.

it's neat that i've learned how to be friends with men again. but even more than that, i've discovered myself, and in michigan i've begun to learn how to be the kind of woman that God designed me to be. while i will miss my new michigan friends and the time of rest, i feel better equipped now for whatever God has in store for me next.

I Give Up (A Rant)

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 01:55:12 GMT

it's one of those things. i am the kind of person that, for better or for worse, is willing to give someone a second chance. if i'm not feeling them at first sight or on that first date, i want to at least give them a chance to redeem themselves. unfortunately, i don't think most guys operate that way. if i try to be my best self, it's not good enough. if i'm just being my "normal" self, it's definitely not good enough. and of course, those who i know i am definitely not compatible with (for clear, good, substantive reason - read: not shallow and superficial) apparently seem to believe it will work and i'm the greatest thing since sliced bread (which i know i'm not)...why i don't know. i can't win for losing. i give up.

i'm starting to think i should be just as viciously cutthroat towards men as men are to me. why should i give them a chance when no one is interested in giving me one? it's a waste of good will.

i hate dating with a passion. there are very few things i truly hate; dating is one of them. maybe that's why most of the men i've fallen for are men i actually knew rather than someone i happened to see one day and thought was cute. dating feels like a job interview for which there is no script, no idea what the "qualifications" are. the qualifications aren't standard, they are as random as chances of rolling snake eyes on a 20-sided die.

if there was a way in which i could just sidestep dating, just jump from not dating to relationship, that'll be awesome . if only a great man around my age, a believer with character, who is also confident, ambitious and driven, had some intelligence (both book smart and street smart), and a sense of humor, who also thought i was too good to pass up, just fell out of the sky one day and landed on one knee, that would be perfect! unfortunately, it rarely happens that way.

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong
with me!

GOD!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my…
Put me out of my f**king misery!

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is
Wrong with me!

- linkin park "given up"