y'all thought i wouldn't get to this, did ya?
so to make a long story short, since part one, the relationship didn't quite work out as planned. it ended up being that the train wreck is still going on, still in slow motion. i still don't think it's going to end well, but at the same time, the only clear thing is that i'm definitely the odd (wo)man out. so i'm kind of left to pick up the pieces, deal with the fallout and the consequences alone, and sort of waiting for some karma or justice, or at least the truth to be exposed, rather than for it to all work out the way i wanted it to. alas.
i think it's going to take some time because this friendship/relationship was different than any other relationship, friendship, weirdship, or whatever i've ever experienced in the past. while i was in it, it was actually good, and it made me feel good, rather than feeling badly. and yet the way it ended left me crushed. not defeated, but crushed nevertheless.
to be truthful, this is one situation in which i can't really blame it on God. i have felt for a long time - ever since my lost seven years - that God has been holding out on me...passing out support systems and relationships to others while denying me a relationship and allowing my support system to fall apart around me through death, relocation, and turmoil. at some point, i decided that God wasn't doing His job and so i'd take it in my own hands and do it for Him.
i didn't want to date christian guys because christian guys, in my view and experience, were more appearance-conscious and closed-minded to different definitions of beauty than non-christian guys, and worried too much about what others thought of their significant others. i felt that for people who claimed to want to follow Christ in every area of their lives, they were hypocrites because their love lives were dictated by the standards of the world...instead of seeing women the way God sees them, they would evaluate women the way the world does, and do it even more stringently than the world does, to boot. i felt they were all like this because the ones i've known since becoming a christian at eighteen were like this (yes, it sounds ignorant, but it's hard to shake one's negative experiences). so when i decided to do it all on my own, i decided not to bother with christian men...not because of their christianity (i did want a mate who shared my faith), but because i knew that none would accept me the way i was since i wasn't physically "together."
i did it all myself...i'd date the guys i wanted to date and do what i wanted to do because i did not trust God in this area of my life. it worked out great for a time...i enjoyed myself - i hated dating, particularly first dates. but i found someone whose company i did enjoy, who i felt comfortable and accepted by, who made me feel attractive, and who i was attracted to as well. and despite the red flags, i still dated this person, kept seeing this person, because it felt right and it was a hell of a lot better than what God had to offer me at that point...so I thought.
well, when it all ended, it ended, and badly. the brokenness is something i've never felt to this degree, ever. the consequences that i know and have yet to know are worse than anything i had to face when i found myself trying to follow God. for the christian, living outside of God's will is not a good place to be.
i don't even think i want to date anytime soon. i need to work on myself.
and i really, really need a silver lining.
it is clear to me that i need to hurry up and finish school. i am in year six, and i'm still not really anywhere near done yet. primarily, my problem is fear. when i finish school, i don't want my life to be boring and empty, where all i do is work, go to event after event, and look at my dog all day. there is no one to share it with, no one to share in my life...the good, the bad, and whatever else there is in between. and so that scares me...apparently enough so that i can't move out of this season and into the next.
there are good things. i've found myself involved in various activities and meeting people. i'm getting chance encounters with people who may end up being my friends. i'm also excited about
my new church, and i feel like i'm finding a place there and i'm finding community there.
while i have yet to see the reprieve that i truly need from my relationally monotonous and lonely life, for the first time in a long time, i see hope. i feel that maybe i can trust God again. when i was in His will, He protected me from harm. i can see in retrospect that the men i was interested in who weren't interested in me weren't right for me at all and God must have something or someone better for me. if i had ended up with them, i would have never been happy in the long run. they weren't necessarily bad people, but i was not meant to be with them. outside of His will, i ended up with someone who i should not have been with, that i got too close to, and ultimately ended up getting hurt even worse than if i had just been rejected.
i think that my Father is inviting me to give Him another chance, to trust Him with my entire life, even that which i had believed for so long He had forgotten. i'm thinking i might give it to Him.
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