so cincinnati is sucking me back in, sort of. for the time being, i won't be living in cincinnati proper, but in northern kentucky, which is pretty much cincy except somewhat prettier and countrier (if that's a word!). i'm looking forward to the course i'm teaching next week, seeing some of my old friends and making new ones. i'll be there as a visiting graduate assistant/instructor for a year, so it'll be cool. and i should be able to finish school faster.
as far as michigan is concerned, i think i will miss it here. this year has been, in a lot of ways, my rehabilitation and my therapy. i've spent the year making peace with cincinnati and everything that happened there. i also began to work on self-improvement, as well as hash out some "unfinished business" with God.
in addition, i began to find myself again. up until maybe middle/early high school, i got along better with guys than girls because i was never interested in girly fads like new kids on the block (or their successors) or hollywood gossip. however, the combination of single-sex school and puberty meant that i was less able to get along with boys than i once was since it was the weird opposite sex stuff, rejection by boys, and i was more able to get along with girls, especially once i met girls who were just as eclectic and eccentric as i was. college was weird, because on one hand, most of my substantive conversations were with men (good female friends are an exception). i did have good male friends in college. but it was this feeling, though, that one can only go so far because we were opposite-sex friends (and to minimize potential drama in a few cases). grad school was just...well...grad school.
in any case, i have had mostly female friends in later childhood and early adulthood, partly due to happenstance, but partly by design - i did not know how to relate to men. due to my own insecurities, reinforced by a couple of toxic/abusive friendships with men, i had that feeling that men could only be trusted up to a point. i had this suspicion that all the while, while being my friend, the men in my life were, in their thoughts, criticizing me, judging me, picking me apart, thinking that i didn't measure up because of my appearance, and since i didn't measure up physically, i was defective and not good enough. and i resented it.
michigan has been an interesting experience. i've dated more than i have for most of my adult life (ain't saying a whole lot, but it's still progress). but it's not so much the dating, because as i've said before, i hate dating. but the coolest experience has to do with the friendships cultivated with men i've met here. i've been given compliments on my appearance and i've been encouraged and built up by some of the men in my life. it makes me think of an article i read about christian men and singleness, where the author mentions that instead of single men looking for the same kind of outer beauty to the disregard of all others, they should look to cultivate and encourage the unique beauty of the single women around them. a combination of that, as well as understanding my own anxiety about how people perceive me (versus the fact that most people aren't as critical about or focused on my looks as i am), helped me to see men in a different light. it helped me to forgive.
over time, i noticed that things were a little bit different. i got along with guys again, and i feel more comfortable around them again. i would rather talk to men than women, and it's not because of anything romantic on my part. i can talk to them about stuff, i can relate better to them and their interests, even the silly ones (save "man talk"). i really don't care about "sex and the city," or how many babies brangelina can pop out or adopt. i would rather see "tropic thunder" or even the new batman movie than "the sisterhood of the traveling pants." i'd rather hear about how to fix the engine on a car than how to knit or crochet. i can joke with men, rib them, and they actually get my goofy and somewhat sarcastic humor in a way that most women don't. i'm more into the conversation about politics or some other interesting controversy than a conversation about what is the best food to feed six-month olds. to epitomize this stark difference...a couple of weeks ago, i had a dream that a bunch of my married female friends spawned school-age children and were all trying to sell me girl scout cookies at the same time!
it's not that i'm not feminine. it's just that i express it in a different way. i like to put together cool outfits, i like to do makeup (although not heavy makeup, i still want to look natural), i like to think of new ways to do my hair and try them to see what works and what doesn't. if it wouldn't hurt the resale value of the car, i would like my hyundai repainted a bright pink color (yes i have discovered pink and other shades of red that aren't naturally residing on top of my head). i care about the place of women in our society, and it's something i feel strongly about. at the same time, i like chivalry, i like being treated as a lady. i like to make sure that my friends are taken care of when they are in pain or in need. i feel good about lending an ear to listen and being a shoulder to cry on. i can be myself, and i can be a lady at the same time.
it's neat that i've learned how to be friends with men again. but even more than that, i've discovered myself, and in michigan i've begun to learn how to be the kind of woman that God designed me to be. while i will miss my new michigan friends and the time of rest, i feel better equipped now for whatever God has in store for me next.
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Ich habe dein Kommentar bei Yorel gesehen (und uebrigens nicht verstanden). Vielleicht sollst du mehr auf Deutsch schreiben? Es gibt doch welche die Deutsch koennen. Siehe auch mein anderes Xanga Blog: Gerddoors.